| Sophia's profileThis Life Is My LifePhotosBlogLists |  Tools  Help |
|
July 31 The New Job and LifeOkay, maybe I am not in here enough but it seems everytime I log on...it's a new format! Whatever, it's still a great place to share some feelings. I really like work. For the most part, I am left to my own devices. My boss is VERY supportive. I have had a few challenges with the staff but we are working on that. I am still trying to convince one of my account execs that I really am her boss and the old boss is gone. She isn't performing either so I don't know what she is thinking.
Meanwhile, my Mother isn't speaking to me. She didn't like the boundaries I put in place and that is too bad.  Hubby is doing well, he got a much deserved raise! Mendy is doing very well. She doesn't like the pool. She won't get in it yet. She is so cute, though. She loves her new yard. The house has been a work in progress for us...well the yard. We enjoy yard work so that works out for us.
More later... June 06 THE JobI went on the interview previously mentioned in my May blog. Interestingly enough, the day I started was also the day that they decided NOT to tell the older gentleman that had the stroke they were replacing him with me. Then they told me he had his job as long as he wanted and he was going to mentor me.Then suddenly, they wanted me to work 3 Saturdays a month. Long story short; it didn't work out. SO we were really bummed about that and I did some hard praying b/c money was getting mucho tighto. I'm talking I have eaten ramen noodles every day for lunch for the past 3 weeks.
AND THEN...
This Tuesday I got a call from a lady at a TV station here in town. She was responding to the resume I sent (on nice paper and everything) the week before. She said they were just making their decision when my resume came across her desk-and I really fit what they were looking for and could I come in and visit with them. Long story short; they offered me the job today. The position is Director of one of the departments. Well, my team will be responsible and I will be helping them reach their goals so I can exceed budget expectations. I will be working on some major accounts to try to land a couple of big ones for them this year and of course training and I am sure a myriad of other things. I report to the President of the station. They offered me a 3 year contract w/ a 3% yearly increase in pay for cost of living-pension they pay in full-401K w/ 40% match-Christmas bonus of a weeks' pay-Corporate membership to a Gym right by where I will work and to top it all off; a generous compensation package w/ an awesome bonus structure that is more than attainable. We can pay the bills and have a little leftover...(or a lot depending on how many times I can exceed the budget projections)!!!! I work 8:30-5:30, no weekends and 2 weeks vacation after the first year. Anyway, I wanted to share, it's the job I have been trying to land for a few years now and I feeling so blessed right now.
SO-I start on Monday and I AM SO EXCITED! YAY! D-DayToday, our nation and our allied nations from WWII remember our fallen soldiers from D-Day; Normandy France 1944.
Over 10,000 men died on that single day.
Many, many families suffered great loss; including my Hubby's father. He was the single surviving son losing both older brothers on the beaches of Normandy.
War is an extreme answer and should be the last resort. I often wonder if our leaders today have learned from history's lessons.
To find out more about D-Day and to pay tribute to our heroes and their families go to www.dday.org/ May 07 Catching You Up on MILSo, since Hubby didn't get a birthday gift; we were interested to see how long it would take Pat to call since....as we all know, she is looking for a reaction from Hubby. She called on Easter Sunday. She left a message saying she just wanted to see how we were doing and wish us a Happy Easter. Hubby did not return the call. Mother's Day is coming up. You'll remember last year on Mother's Day, we spent quite a bit of money sending a nice Harry and David's gift basket. Hubby got her a card, at my insistance the other day and we will send it this week. Obviously, we are done with the whole gift giving thing since she is obviously no longer giving us gifts. Sounds petty but it's like why? Why should we continue to give when she is being so petty? Petty is as petty does, I guess. Hubby is still trying to decide if he will call her at all. I think he is concerned he might just blow up. I can't say as I blame him.
In other news, Hubby's oldest niece-and Cathy's only daughter graduates from High School in 2 weeks. Since we haven't received an announcement, we researched it on-line so we would know when to send her a card. Here's a question for you: Why not send us an announcement? Is it really necessary to exclude Hubby from this too? I mean, we probably wouldn't be able to attend but it would be nice to have the announcement as a keepsake. And just to have something from Cathy's daughter! Our only contact with her since she has been 16 is her thank you cards for our birthday and Christmas money. All of this time-Cathy's position is that she didn't want her daughter "emulating" our actions towards Pat. I wonder if she ever thought about what her daughter might end up "emulating" from Cathy's own actions?
Why must this family stuff be so difficult?
Until Later Sophia
PS - THE JOB INTERVIEW I had on Friday must have gone well. They just called and want me to come in today to talk about the position and money! YAY! THANK GOD! It's May Already?Well, I totally missed blogging in April. What a wild couple of months. I have been on several interviews, nothing solid so far on a job offer. Although I would be really surprised not to hear from the Auto Group I interviewed w/ on Friday. Protégé is there and recommended they call me for Inventory Manager. A position I have not done but know a lot about and would be really good at, never mind really enjoying! I am a little concerned they may not offer enough money but that’s getting ahead of myself considering they haven’t even offered the position! The house up north is in default and has been up for sale for two months. Not one looker and we have it priced $15K less than we owe, hoping for a short sale. What a freaking mess. The mortgage company WILL NOT work with me in any way. My credit is in the crapper and did I mention I didn’t qualify for Unemployment Benefits b/c in the interview; Billy lied? That was a classic move on his part I thought. I actually called him and told him “Good luck laying your head down and night because even though the Interviewer may not know you lied, I know you lied, you know you lied but most importantly; God knows you lied”. He was speechless and I hung up. I know, I know a bit childish on my part but hey-HE LIED!
I haven’t written Dad back. His letter wasn’t what I felt to be a reaching out letter but then again, he did write back so in his own way, he did reach out. He doesn’t seem to want to take responsibility for his part in really, really hurting me and us just not being terribly close. I will blog on that separately.
Mom moves at the end of the month. From what I can figure out, it seems to me that she is more running away from the problems she is having at work. She is a manager at the Condo complex where they live on the Beach. Therefore never leaving her job, which I will grant you could be tough. But it’s a pud job, good pay, good benefits and good hours. She is just very negative right now. I don’t know. She is in a bad place and has said some things to me recently that felt like she was trying to bring me down as opposed to supporting me. But then, she has been that way before in my life. I remember Dr. Phil saying once; “What you need from others, sometimes you have to provide yourself-it’s called being your own best friend.” Wise man.
It’s been really awesome staying home. We have planted tomatoes, peppers, basil, rosemary, dill and all types of flowers for the yard. Hubby transplanted bushes from the overgrown backyard to the front yard. I have been able to finish unpacking the house and make it really look like home. I have been able to re-bond with Mendy; which I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. I am really tan from hanging out poolside. That has been a God send. I have done a lot of soul searching. There are a lot of feelings still balled up inside me that I need to work on fixing in order to feel a sense of peace in my life. Seems peace in my life will come from peace within me- about me. I may see a counselor to help assist with some of the feelings of resentment and anger I am still feeling from things in the past. The Wellbutrin only goes so far, I think.
It’s a turning point in my life. I don’t know what the future holds. I have prayed a lot about it and I know God will guide me in the right direction. It’s an adventure and I am looking forward to it! This life is the life I make it to be.
Until next time- March 21 Catching UpOkay, so I bet you are wondering what is going on with me. How much time do you have? I could fill pages!
JEEZ!
I'll make this brief but informative. On the 24th of February, Protege worked his last day with me. He had given me 4 days notice...and I barely had an ad in the paper to replace him when he left. I missed him more than I anticipated. Probably partially because with him gone, I took every phone call that came into the store and ever internet inquiry. Sometimes upwards of 30 a day. Plus keeping up on his current (and my) customer database. I worked 8-8 Monday through Saturday and still have the hour commute. Needless to say, by mid-week two, I was already pooped.
The GM was particularly harsh on all of us...I think mostly b/c he hired a new guy named Bob. Bob is one of those characters sending "progress reports" to the GM and busily putting together Excel spreadsheets based on current perfomance in each department but never really DID ANYTHING. Except smoke and talk on his cell phone. When it came close to closing time, he left. It didn't matter if we still had customers we were working with or not. "I'm outta here!" he would say. WTF? Speedy and I would look at each other in general amazement because the GM was heavily favoring Bob and thought he was the greatest. (?) I suppose mostly b/c Bob had his head up the GM's butt. Speedy and I prefer to work, not ass kiss but I digress. Word got around that Bob was trying to get the GM to give Speedy's position to him. Apparently (in speaking with Speedy later I learned), the GM and Speedy had one final disagreement and Speedy walked out. Now this shocked me initially for several reasons.
A. Speedy worked at that store 12 years and until this GM arrived, would have worked to retirement there!
B. Speedy isn't the type to just walk out. He is a professional and I couldn't understand why he didn't give notice. (I figured it out later, see below.)
C. Speedy was very loyal to the previous owner (and still) a major stockholder of this company. I guess Speedy called him and said he felt it was time to move on.
Well. You want to talk about life getting rough when Speedy left. I was having quite a time anyway, what with no breaks, eating lunch between salespeople in and out of my office and phone calls and the long hours. Add in no Happy Speedy and life became really unbearable for me. I broke down in tears most every day, several times a day sometimes. I actually hung up on a customer who was being ugly to me. I just don't do that sort of thing. Bob decided he was my boss and called me to tell me I made a mistake on a quote I sent out in October of 2006. That went over like a fart in church. I didn't even argue with him, just hung up. The GM was not one bit sensative to me working in the department all by myself and insisted the Used Car Manager was covered for his Dr's visits but repeatedly ignored my requests for 45 minutes to go get my allergy shots. The other managers would cover each other's desk so that they could get an hours' lunch. Not me. I was completely ignored. I started to feel like a daily flogged horse by the end of the day.
I put in notice March 9th and asked for my final week to be my vacation b/c I had earned a weeks' pay and obviously had no other way to take it. I asked the GM about it (in writing and in person) and he said I would have to speak w/ the comptroller about it. So I asked her and she kept putting me off, day after day after day! I did some research and learned in this state, an employer doesn't have to pay accrued vacation time. Obviously, he wasn't going to give me an answer b/c he knew I would just go and so I finally called his bluff. I had to end up sending an email b/c he had people in his office the entire day. I told him he could stop with the Slow-Play, I had figured out the game and I was done playing. I also mentioned I didn't appreciate the complete lack of respect.
He had the nerve to call me at home that night. He said he "kinda was" slow-playing me but only because he wanted to get an answer from the head of HR at Corporate to find out "how much flexibility" he had in regards to my vacation pay. He was planning on calling me that afternoon in fact! (I left about 4:40 and he leaves at 5PM) He said he wanted me to stay and train someone in so there would be a smooth transition-and then he would give me PART of the pay. Train my replacement? Stay for an undertermined amount of time for PARTIAL pay of my already earned vacation? I don't think so. He also mention being appauled that I would insinuate his lack of respect for me. So I guess he thought playing those types of games and working your employees into the ground is respect. Whatever. I didn't say much but I did say this, "Billy, you have been around the block. If you are losing an employee of my caliper, there is a damn good reason for it. You would be wise to figure out that problem and fix it!" Meanwhile, Hubby and I had finally accepted that the house up north was pulling us under financially and called a credit counselor. All of my attempts to refinance have been turned down for various reasons. Amazingly, though we had no problem getting a low interest loan on the house we live in. These mortgage companies are running a real racket. I am in an interest first ARM and they know damn good and well the longer they hold off financing into a different mortgage, the more they make. The credit counselor told me that they will force a late payment before they will work with us on perhaps a short sale or other alternative.
Now isn't that just peachy? I have to ruin my own credit just to get the mortgage company to work with us.
Obviously, I take full responsibilty for the mess we are in...but who knew the market would drop, we wouldn't be able to sell or even rent the house? Even rented, we had to settle for $500 less a month than the mortgage. It was our credit counselor who told us to buy this house before our credit was ruined. So now, I am looking for work and hoping for the best with the mortgage company. I am sure you think I am foolish for quitting a job when I don't have another, especially when I am already under financial strain. Well, maybe you are right...although it is pretty tough to go to an interview when you are chained to a desk for 12 hours a day. I look at it like this: What do we have to lose? If I am every going to find a career I love, I am going to have to take a chance. If I am really going to be happy, I am going to have to believe in myself and know we can make it. And believe in God. I am willing to do that because even after a full week off, I am literally exhausted. I slept 12 hours last night and I am not kidding. I still have black circles under my eyes and my feet still hurt from all of the walking on the lot. However, my husband has smiled more this week and I have laughed more than I can remember in over a year. I have been able to make dinner for my husband and enjoy our beautiful backyard with him at 5 when he gets home instead of seeing him for an hour and a half a day. Mendy is thrilled to have me home as are the cats. I swear she follows me everywhere and wears a perm-agrin. I have had one very promising interview. It would be a fantastic job. Cross your fingers for me. I need every positive thought I can get...life is sure overwhelming right now. Oh; did I mention - That my mother choose this time to tell us they have decided to move 3 hours north of here, and have already bought a house? They close mid-May. No, I am not amused. More on that later.
Pop's Mom (Grandma V) passed away. I wasn't able to attend the funeral because I had no one to cover me. She had Alzheimers...but it's still sad. I felt just awful not being there for Pop(my Mom's Husband), whom really has been there the last 26 years for me more than my own Dad. And Dad sent a letter back. No, it wasn't at all what I expected....but wasn't necessarily positive either. More on that later. And finally, Hubbys' birthday came and went. His mother sent a card, late..and didn't bother to call this year. She didn't even send money as usual. I guess she doesn't do that for Hubby anymore, just the other kids. Oh-we hear she is headed for Ireland with Cathy. Maybe saving money on our Christmas gifts, birthday presents and not paying for us to go on the family vacation is how she saved up! (If you follow the blog you know that she had told Hubby she was short on funds and could only afford to pay for the other siblings rooms for vacation so if we wanted to go, we had to stay with her.) What a real piece of work. That's all I have to say about that.
This life is my life...and right now it sucks. Sophia February 15 My Letter To DadI decided to write Dad; after some thought. I don't know if he will respond...but at least I said what I needed to say.
Hi Dad;
I received a letter from Aunt Jane recently and in it; she mentioned her concern for the fact that you and I are obviously not as close as we used to be. She referenced a specific situation you mentioned; regarding Justin and his then brand new wife (I don’t know her name.) showing up at the Golden Corral on your “birthday” a couple of years back. She said you couldn’t understand why you couldn’t have who you wanted attend your own birthday dinner or why I got upset.
I wanted to clear a couple of details on that topic. It wasn’t your birthday; it was Father’s Day. I remember exactly what day it was because it was very important to me to plan something special-as is always my intent on Father’s Day. In fact, for your birthday that year, you will recall we took you and Cheryl to dinner in downtown KC and then to see the Lipizzaner Stallions so I am 100% sure it was Father’s Day. In my mind, there is a big difference in a birthday dinner that is casually set up and Father’s Day dinner set up by your only daughter. Had it just been your normal birthday party; I wouldn’t have been so hurt-I agree, if it’s your birthday-invite who you want! But it wasn’t your birthday and it hurts me that you don’t even remember what day it actually was or why I would get upset. I am a reasonable person and I don’t get hurt for just any reason at all. I set up that visit several weeks in advance because I wanted to celebrate my Dad on Father’s Day. I even went so far as to swallow my pride and invite my brother who was not speaking to me at the time because I felt he shouldn’t be left out of his own Father’s Day dinner. I did send Cheryl an email afterwards explaining why I was hurt but obviously I didn’t explain myself very well so I will try to do better this time. First, we had planned to pay for your meals and that became very awkward when in the parking lot, we learned that two other people were joining us and that you were expected (and did) pay for their meals-along with your own. I didn’t know what to do and so we just paid for our own meals. I felt awful having not paid for my own Father’s meal on Father’s Day because I feel it to be inappropriate for my Father to pay on Father’s Day.( As I recall-you pay when it’s Mother’s Day for Grandma so I am sure you can see my point.) Secondly; I don’t know Cheryl’s children well enough to even recognize them on the street. I understand that you have a relationship with them and of course, you should. However, I was very uncomfortable because I don’t know them at all and didn’t know what to say. How would you have felt had you called and invited Hubby and me to dinner to celebrate “Daughter’s Day”, planned to pay for our meal and we showed up with his parents without even consulting you? Can you honestly say that wouldn’t hurt your feelings or that you wouldn’t be uncomfortable? Having given that example-I didn’t exactly throw a fit. In fact, I said very little and thought I was as gracious as I could be under the circumstances. At any rate, I did the best I could do-with my feelings very hurt.
It should be said at this point that if you weren’t aware that I have a hang-up about sharing my own Father with another set of step-children please be aware of it now. I understand that I have no choice (nor have I had a choice since I was 8 years old) but to share my precious time with my Dad with kids I didn’t even know and I accept it. However, if I plan to take my Dad and his wife out for Father’s Day; I think that is the one day that I (and of course Ben) should be able to spend with our Dad and his wife alone. Maybe it’s hard for you to understand because you didn’t have to see your Dad love other children-who are not siblings; while you only saw your Dad on weekends-or as an adult a few times a year. I loved Stevie; but I still didn’t want to share my Dad with him. As I said, it’s my hang-up and my problem. I understand that but I am not finished working through it all…and I am left with a great deal of pain because of it. A little thoughtfulness of my feelings would have been appreciated. I feel like people are forced on me and if I don’t just swallow my hurt and am gracious -I am punished by completely being left out of your life! I feel resentful, jealous -left out and left behind. I have spent my life trying to find a way to fit into your life because there is always so much in your life; between work, farming, your wives/girlfriends/wife’s kids, Ben and his dramas …there is no place left for me. If you wonder what I am talking about; I could give you a thousand examples-like us coming down to visit only to see you for the one hour you took for lunch away from the field-the WHOLE weekend. How about me asking if you could help me put up a ceiling fan and you wouldn’t even consider it? You could have at least offered to put it up somewhere else in the house for me. Or how about when you would come up all the time to visit us…seemingly but end up spending all of your time with Faye? When that went south; we didn’t see you anymore. You started dating Cheryl (which was great) but we just didn’t get visits from you anymore-maybe one visit a year. I feel like I was good enough for you to be around when you didn’t have anyone else but when you weren’t lonely anymore; you didn’t feel it necessary to call or keep in touch. I feel as though you don’t want me to be a big part of your life and have fought that feeling since you married Diana-the first time. Imagine how I would feel finding out that you re-married Diana two weeks before; on the way to your house for the weekend or find out from Cheryl that you are getting married again because you didn’t want to tell me! You never even bothered to introduce me to Cheryl to begin with-Grandma had to do it. I thought she was there with Jane and Scott! Those actions make me feel like you don’t think enough of me to even introduce to me or tell me about important people in your life. Like I am a second rate child of yours that you are ashamed of so you just don’t acknowledge me or introduce me and hope that I will eventually disappear in the background so I don’t embarrass you.
I also feel like there have been a lot of times you have gotten angry with me and chosen not to include me in news of your life because you wanted to punish me. You always have given me the silent treatment when you are mad at me. Jane mentioned that she thought that both of us were concentrating on our own pain; and obviously she is right. I have tried to consider your pain but I don’t know what I have done to bring you pain. I am not perfect and I am sorry if I have said or done things that have hurt you or upset you. I certainly didn’t intend to hurt you-now or ever. You should understand- you have brought me a great deal of pain and I have tried to reach out to you several times; both in email and letters and you haven’t even bothered to tell me to go to hell. Believe me that would hurt less than hearing nothing in return at all. Even if you have been hurt by me- I don’t think I have ever done anything horrible enough for you to just quit calling, writing or even signing my birthday or Christmas cards. Dennis got a nice note from you in his birthday card and I didn’t even get a signature from you. No matter how hurt that I have been by you; I would never shut you out of my life. I have tried to keep in contact as I can; and I don’t feel like you have returned that respect to me. I deserve to be a part of your life without begging and without feeling like an unwanted little girl that you put up with just because you have to. You don’t have to put up with me if you don’t want to and I am not going to beg to be a part of your life anymore if you don’t want me there.
As I have grown up-I feel like you haven’t learned who I am. You assume who I am-or play me off as “just an emotional woman”. I made a very concerted effort to have an adult relationship with you-to know and appreciate the man behind “Dad”. I didn’t assume you were like any other man. I kept my mind open. I don’t know if you really want to know who I am but I am going to tell you a little bit about me anyway. I tell you this for no other reason but so that you will know because I feel like you don’t know. Maybe if you know who I am-you will want spend some time with me. Although, maybe not because I am not all positive.
I can fix anything-as long as it just takes a tool and my hands. I have prolific computer skills but dislike anything to do with computers or the internet because it’s not challenging. One of my favorite things to do is to figure out a way to outsmart someone or something that has put a block in front of my path. I do not actually read; I skim and therefore can go through a book very fast. I have almost a photographic memory and if I write it down-I can remember it forever. I am a logical, black and white thinker. The last intelligence test I took was 2 years ago and I scored 147. I am intolerant of ignorance, prejudices and narrow mindedness. I detest lies. I absolutely hate to be criticized in any fashion and take it very personally. I do not easily trust people and therefore; have very little friends-in fact I have not made one friend since we have moved here. (For that matter, I don’t share much in common with women-I don’t have kids, I don’t do sewing, I don’t do pink, I don’t like bunko, I don’t care if I have dirt under my fingernails when I am working and I sure as hell don’t want fake fingernails! I don’t like Tupperware parties, I don’t like to sit around and complain about my husband and I really prefer a football game to shopping most any day.) So most women are mean to me, I am guessing its jealousy or perhaps they are intimidated-I don’t know but it’s a lonely life and to assume I am just like any woman is the wrong assumption to make.) I prefer to work alone because I have to work at such a level of perfectionism-other people drive me crazy with their laziness and inconsistencies. I pray to God every day for strength, courage and wisdom; and I think I am going to Heaven because I am a good person and try to be a good Christian. I believe that I have two Guardian Angels-and I gave one to Ben's daughter when I realized that I was probably not going to see her again until she was much older. My feelings are hurt very easily because I have a big heart. I love to give to people…even if I don’t know them and I prefer they didn’t know I was the one doing the giving. I prefer the company of my dog over 98% of the population because I know she would never hurt me. I am extremely insecure about my looks and am constantly concerned that no one understands me. I am independent to a fault. I will at all costs, struggle with something myself to figure it out to keep from asking for help. I am so competitive that if someone passes me on the highway; I will speed up. I am so driven that I now have to take a prescribed sleeping pill at night so I don’t lie in bed problem solving and strategizing about work. You do understand my drive is due to mainly one thing? I have been trying to get my own Dad’s attention-my whole life. It’s taken me 34 years to realize that I need to accept that regardless of how much money I make, how big a deal I make of a Father’s Day, how successful I am, how much I spend on your gifts or how big of a house I buy- it is not going to ever be enough to gain the attention from you that I have always wanted. It’s for you to decide if I am to be a part of your life and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change that fact.
One more thing I need you to know: I am not going feel guilty for loving the other parent-something I have spent my whole life feeling. I don’t have to listen to negative, nasty remarks and makes me feel horrible to hear it…so I am not going to listen to it again. If you two want to be bitter and angry at each other through eternity, so be it-although I think that is a complete waste of time and energy. You have told me over and over “you are just like your mother” and since you hate her guts, I do not perceive this as your giving me a compliment. I don’t know if you are angry with me for having a relationship with Mom and not turning my back on her for your sake. I don’t know what you expect from me when it comes to Mom-I try not to bring her name up…but I think it’s unfair for me to have to walk on eggshells because you two have water under the bridge. I feel like you are punishing me in the back of your mind for not taking your side and perhaps even moving down here and that is not fair. I moved by the ocean…and sure, Mom is here too. I didn’t divorce either one of you and no matter how challenging; I am trying very hard to have some semblance of a relationship with each of you. Could you just not say anything at all if you have nothing positive to say? Yes, I have had a similar conversation with Mom.
I know I have written you enough and spoken enough about wanting to be closer that you know indeed that is my wish. I hope you understand I mean no disrespect in my need to get some things off of my chest. We have to be able to find some common ground to start and beyond my doing this frankly; Dad, I don’t know where to start. I have a hard time just writing you and Cheryl an email-I don’t even know how to pick up the phone and talk to you. If not for hearing that your feelings were hurt (and out of respect for Jane) by something that I did-I wouldn’t have written this to clear up that Father’s Day. I can’t do this by myself; it’s terribly unfair for me to be responsible for all the communication all of the time between us and I just can’t do it. Especially when I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me to begin with. I hope someday you will want to work with together with me towards a better relationship.
Until then, take care of yourself and know you and Cheryl are in my prayers every day. January 27 Making AmendsWhat a bizarre week. Protégé came back on Monday and we had a fine day. I left about an hour early so I could go get my allergy shot and went on home. Tuesday; Hubby decided to take one of his personal days and we went to a movie, Dreamgirls. (That movie is a really great musical by the way.) An hour before we went in the theater I called Protégé to see how it was going at work. It was dead because it was raining. After the movie, I turned my phone back on and had a message from one of the other managers. I won’t go into the messy details but he should have called Protégé and apparently did but Protégé either didn’t give him the answer fast enough or at all. Needless to say after working 14 or so days straight I was really un-amused to be getting a phone call on my day off. I called Protégé to find out what was going on and he joked around, wouldn’t listen and basically blew me off. That went over like a lead balloon. I literally just went off on him..which is not my style but I had no patience left, I was tired and pissed. Long story short, he went over my head and complained about me. My boss told him he needed to grow up. The whole thing bothered me and I caught Protégé in a couple of lies…to cover his own butt. Not cool. I had to have a sit down with him….good news is I think that helped. I considered firing him but didn’t even end up writing him up.
Then at the end of the week, I got a letter from Dad’s sister. Most of the letter was just to catch up but she did mention Dad and I making amends and that Dad had told her he couldn’t understand why I had gotten so upset over Cheryl’s son and new wife (who had apparently, just had a baby but it wasn’t Justin’s baby! And he married her? What is this, Days of Our Lives?) coming to the dinner I had planned. Dad actually said it was his birthday; when it was Father’s Day. My aunt said she could see both sides but kind of also eluded that I should be the first to make amends and that we were both just thinking of our own pain. She is probably right about thinking of only our own feelings.
Thing is…I have written Dad and told him I wanted us to be closer, I tried to call for awhile after that happened, I try to email monthly and frankly that’s about all I can bring myself to do. Dad doesn’t initiate any communication and his wife writes back if I email. Never answering any questions I have, just babbling in run-on sentences about nothing.
And I get it that I clearly have hang-ups about step-kids and my Dad. I don’t ever want to share him now as an adult. And obviously that isn’t reasonable to only have Dad and Cheryl at the holidays and such. But on Father’s Day? Don’t they have their own Dad? And if not; I *did* call them and plan the function and planned to pay for their meals. It was pretty uncomfortable having two 18 year old kids show up that I don’t know from Adam and have MY DAD on Father’s Day pay for them. I literally did not know they were coming until I saw Dad in the parking lot of the restaurant. What was I supposed to do? I ended up just paying for Hubby and me. Even more frustrating, Dad doesn’t even remember what Holiday this was! I have spent most of my life fighting for some inkling of my Dad’s attention. Between the divorces, work, women and their kids-it didn’t leave much time for me or Ben. Maybe I am being unreasonable because I don’t care to know Cheryl’s kids. We are all adults and I literally have met her oldest son once and the other son 3 times in 5 years. Why bother? Who knows if Dad will be married in 10 years anyway? Maybe it is my problem and I am being overly sensitive. I don’t feel like I am being unreasonable for wanting to have just a little bit of my own time with my own father. And I am just not willing to bend on that right now.
Meanwhile; I talked to a recruiter who is paid by companies for executive placement. He said he would search the area for me. I thought that was cool! Mom just called. She said her sister (my favorite Aunt) just called. My Uncle’s sutures broke open. He had surgery on his neck on Wednesday…this being the third he has had of this kind. He has a disease that basically fuses the spine together if I understand correctly and it’s incredibly painful. He’s in ICU now. Poor Favorite Aunt and Favorite Uncle. They are wonderful people. The last year he spent fighting colon cancer…and now this. Boy, it really makes me think about counting my blessings every day.
This brings me back to my Dad’s sister. She is very thoughtful to have said something to me about Dad. I know she just wants the best for both of us. She is SO NOT a buttinsky so I know she must be really concerned. I guess I am just going to have to slog through it. Maybe it’s a lack of maturity or just downright stubbornness. She said she didn’t want me to live with regrets. Mom has said this to me too. Do you regret not swallowing every ounce of pride just to have your Dad in your life on HIS terms? January 20 Quirky AmericaThese are a freaking hoot. Let me apologize in advance for my jabs at the South’s checkered history. It’s all in fun…really.
This is the ugliest, largest clucker I have ever seen in my life. It’s a wonder KFC ever got off the ground! http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/GAMARchicken.html
There better be a bar at the end of this maze…….
I read that they have a recipe for Spam Chocolate Cake? Does Spam have meat in it? Maybe that is why they put it in Chocolate cake. Hey! Cheryl could make some for Dad! Gross. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/MNAUSspam.html
Mississippi in 1940? Was the entire KKK on hiatus when this was built? The woman is black! The horror! Hey, just saying Mississippi Burning and they left up the giant black woman? Leave it to the KKK to not even be thorough with their ethnic cleansing. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/MSNATmammy.html
I can’t tell you how proud this makes me to be from the Midwest. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/MNDARtwine.html
The Miracle Tortilla? Get a life people. Jesus ain’t on your stinkin’ Tortilla. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/NMLAKtortilla.html
Cow Chip Capital. Again, I am beaming with pride. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/OKBEAchip.html
Welcome to South Carolina; where everyone who isn’t white is enslaved, hung or made to wear a giant hat. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/SCDILsob.html
The Toilet Man!! I can’t make fun though…he’s 80. At least he isn’t sitting around bitching about the younger generation. http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/TXSANtoilet.html
Ma! I can’t see a thing. I think that Pink Elephant in the living room stole my glasses again!
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tips/getAttraction.php3?tip_AttractionNo==1645
The Demise of Teri and Me (Or Catering III)
Right before the final curtain closed on the catering business; Hubby and I got married. Since it was the second marriage for each of us; we had decided to have a private ceremony in the Keys. Teri and Mike had a time share and offered to let us use the room if we would pay for the extra charge for an extra bedroom-of course; they would go along as well. It worked out fairly well-and for the most part we enjoyed the trip. About 4 days in-I got a bad cold and subsequently didn’t have much energy for anything but sitting by the pool. Teri wasn’t having that at all. She nagged and nagged me to go down to Duvall street, walk here, do this and do that to which I obliged. She started drinking every day at noon so by evening she was trashed, loud and obnoxious. The next day, I flat said no, I am not going. So Teri asked Hubby to go with her and Mike. He declined saying he could use the day of rest. She told him not to put up with a guilt trip from me and to do what he wanted. Hubby reminded her it was our honeymoon and we wanted to spend our time together. I was not amused. The day of rest did me good and that evening; Hubby and I decided to go back to an Italian place on “the quiet side” of the island the four of us had found earlier in the week. It was our last night and we thought it would be romantic. Right before we left, Mike and Teri came in just absolutely trashed. Teri was so loud and Mike was just his normal laughing self. They had found friends from a cruise ship and had come back to change for dinner. They wanted us to go and meet up with these people and party. We declined explaining our idea of a quiet evening and Teri threw a fit. It was our last night and I was ruining it being a baby. (?) She told me it was just a cold and that I needed to get over it! I was so over it, I just shut the door in her face and finished getting ready and we left. She didn’t talk to me the next day; and we flew to New Orleans in silence. That evening when Clarence arrived and met up with us…she decided to forgive me. Then the next day we had another fight, I forget about what but I was fed up with Teri. Teri, Mike and Clarence spent most of their time on Bourbon street until 3-4 AM partying. Hubby and I went out but usually were in bed by at least 1AM, which was plenty late enough. The day we left, Teri came down with my cold and was in a rotten mood. After snipping and bitching at every single one of us; Mike finally looked at her and said “Teri, it’s just a cold, why don’t you just get over it!” I could have laughed for an hour. I didn’t, it would have made things worse. She did finally say that she hadn’t been as sensitive as maybe she could have been; which was as close to an apology as Teri got. It took me a couple of months to get over my irritation with her about that whole vacation.
Mike’s business started to grow right away. Teri did her part by sending all of her old clientele a letter introducing the new business…riding a fine line of professional standards. I did proof the letter and we tried to walk on the right side of the line. Had I to do it over, I would have just told her I thought it was inappropriate-and listened to how wrong I was for the next hour. Teri started helping an older couple that she had met through her folks with an estate sale business. After a few months; she decided she would buy them out and run the business. Now, Teri and Mike were in a lot of debt with all of these businesses starting and not really making any money selling half of the catering business in the buy out. They were able to get loans and borrowed money from her folks; and off they went. Mike paid me well when I helped out and Teri always told him he was overpaying me. They would actually fight about it. I will have you know that I am the one who had the recipes and ingredients in my head for all of the “slightly changed” menu items on Mike’s menu. Mike told Teri he couldn’t do it without me. He started smoking meat and because it was different-he really made his way with the meats. That phased me out a bit and I thought it was probably for the best. Teri became resentful of Mike because he was cooking out of the house and was a complete slob about it.
More Later January 19 Interesting Reading
Today; boys and girls we are going to talk about interesting reading because for the last two hours, instead of working I have been reading! I was busy this morning but all of the sudden its dead and I am caught up and ho hum. I have 5 hours left to work. I figure I have some time to spare.
The following reading material has continually educated, entertained or shocked and appalled me in the last week:
Wikipedia : For those of you who have been living in a cave for the last two years, Wikipedia is a free online encyclopedia; ….except better because it has things like “famous gay actors” and the life story of Beyonce all right at the click of a mouse! Even more exciting; if you happen to be an expert on say…Spitting Spiders you can edit the entry. I love this site! I have literally in the last week learned that Abe Lincoln is thought to be by some historians to be gay/bi and it is rumored that Laura Ingalls Wilder ‘s daughter, Rose, actually did most of the writing in the popular “Little House on the Prairie” series. Also, did you know that there is a species of cockroach that grows up to 9 cm long and can weigh up to 30 grams? Some Aussies keep them as pets.
And when is the last time you sat down and read this? “We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.” Sniff. Damn that Thomas Jefferson sure knew how to make a statement, didn’t he? God Bless America. I love Great Britain with their “The Colonies” statements, Uncle Ben clock, Royal scandals and stuffiness. Not to mention being our biggest ally in the last several conflicts and a couple of World Wars. However, I am still glad our Forefather’s had the balls to tell them to stick it. Speaking of balls...
Low Blow: A series written by a Senior News editor for MSNBC about prostate cancer. I would bet you are like Hubby and me, thinking prostate cancer wasn’t a big deal anymore. Snip, snip and go on with life. It’s still something to be taken seriously folks. When I mentioned to Hubby that after surgery; there is no “morning wood”…or afternoon wood for that matter for a year or more without help from a pill-I got his attention. Frankly, it had my attention-okay maybe I don’t always have time for a good roll in the hay before work-it’s nice to have the option! After hearing that wearing Depends for a couple of months after surgery might be necessary; we made an appointment for a check-up. Preventative medicine can only prevent if you make the damned appointment! GO, read now!
The Jungle Woman: For once, I have to tell you I am almost speechless…almost but not quite. If she went into the jungle at 8; she didn’t forget how to talk for God’s sake. If the woman is happy in the Jungle, I say leave well enough alone. There is something to be said for being buck naked everyday, no worries about paying the bills, no “get up and make the donuts” every day, no house cleaning, no rat race, no depressing news everyday…no irritating Mother In Law…hell if I were her, I would want to go back to the jungle too.
Michael J. Devlin: I might be a little obsessed-I’ll admit. I hate bullies, HATE bullies. Obviously bullying, intimidation, terrorizing and abuse are the reasons most of these kids can’t (or don’t feel they can) get out. Part of what bothers me so much about abductors of children is that the abductor is usually repeating an offense that was at some point in their lives done to them. It’s another abusive cycle like so many others. Logically, I get that. My heart feels differently. I ( I am quoting Hubby here) don’t think he is worth a .05 cent bullet to the head. Having said that (and not that I am the one that will be doing the judging on this…that is God’s thing) I think he should rot in Hell and certainly never spend another day free in his life. The whole thing makes me so angry I get tears in my eyes every time I think about it.
Diary of an Affair: "Catholic based Retrouvaille" pimp aside, this is a great lesson. I have been married for 6 ½ years…which is not a long time in some peoples’ opinions. However, I have watched my parents marry and divorce at least 4 times. A little girl learns from her parents’ mistakes if she is smart. Recently, I learned of a couple we knew up north (Mike and Teri if you follow the blog) divorcing after 25 years of marriage. Of course her side is that it was his fault because he had an affair, I have heard. I haven’t heard his side from him but I saw him withstand more nagging, bitching, berating, scolding and fault finding than I ever thought a person could stand when they were married. It takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to make it end. I think so many people take their marriages for granted and don’t’ work on their marriage. By work, I literally mean choosing to love your mate. Let’s say you feel like sh*t, had a crappy day at work, forgot to thaw something for dinner, have your daughters’ play costume to finish tonight and come home to find your Hubby sitting on the couch watching college basketball; kids fighting-house a mess- You ask if he remembered to go by the bank and make the deposit (because you have floated checks to pay bills) and he gives you a sheepish grin and says “I forgot”. You have a choice to make in that moment. It is the small choices and the little fights that add up to looking up one day and having no idea who you married. No, I would rather be in love with Hubby when I am 75 and worked REALLY hard to keep a strong marriage than the alternative.
Sophia January 18 Anywhere But HereI am officially ready for Protégé to come back. Today, I am tired…or tarred as they say in the South. Every single person who came in my office today (I am sure the figure must be in the 100’s by now) had an emergency that I needed to fix, stat! The GM had to have a report for last quarter on his desk by the end of the day-and he told me about it at 1:30 this afternoon right before I was sitting down at my desk to eat lunch. Every person I talked to on the phone knew more than I did about my own inventory. I love experts. I made 5 appointments, none have showed. I have always wondered why people make appointments and then no call/no show. How rude. I wouldn’t do that, I would just say no, I am not making an appointment if I didn’t want to make an appointment.
You know, right now, I can think of a million places I would rather be…other than here. People say they would rather be anywhere other than here - but think about that for a minute. There are quite a few places I would rather not be…anytime!
Frozen Tundra-which is (as you know) my idea of Hell on Earth. Oh, look kids here we are in Frozen Turndraville! We have been out of the car 4 seconds and I can’t feel my feet, my fingers sting every time I move them, my nose is dripping snot that immediately freezes to my upper lip; causing the original stiff upper lip. And I have so many layers of clothes on my ass officially has its’ own zip code. I think not.
Iraq-otherwise known as the Biggest Sandpit on Earth; where the natives are hell bent on killing each other. Are you kidding me? I would rather sit through “Rosanne sings The Phantom of the Opera”. Hello!? President Bush? Could we bring our soldiers home now, PLEASE!?
The Running With The Bulls of Pamplona- Don’t misunderstand. I would LOVE to go to Spain and drink wine and eat cheese and frolic on the mountainside and down on the coast with Hubby for about oh…two months. However, I have no desire to attend an event where one desires a good trampling upon their head, back and shoulders AND considers the event fun! Maybe they spend too much time frolicking in the mountains drinking wine…….
The Dirtiest City on the Earth- Oh hell, I can’t remember the city in China. Apparently, China is still burning coal like the Marlboro man smoked cigarettes. Oh and apparently, they don’t bother with the filters. What good would that do? There are actually people in these cities wearing cloth masks because the air is so bad. Here’s what I don’t get: How on Earth, could China be excelling at anything over the United States? Polluting the Earth is just fine and oh “by the way-you’ll need to drown your newborn baby girl because women just aren’t important” are accepted ways of thinking in this country! I’ll tell you what, I have changed my mind. I am going to China…and I am bringing an attitude and opinion the size of Texas along. We are all going to sit down, these “leaders” and me. We are going to have a little come to Jesus as it were. Who’s with me?
Hey, you get through your work day how you want and I will get through my work day how I want…with humor. J
Sophia January 17 Things That Make Me Go HmmmmmThese are just a few of the things I have filled my day today thinking about today. I thought I would share.
Shawn Hornbeck. Okay, obviously there a whole lot about this boy and the past four years of his life that we don't know. And probably don't need to know. I can speculate and it's horrible to even IMAGINE what that boy might have gone through. So the first thing I think is that I should pray for him and his family. Then I think, Shawn, why? Why didn't you run? If he was abducted at 11, he wouldn't have known how far away he was from his folks. I know this having come from a rural town and wanting to run away. I always thought "To where? I don't know how to get to the nearest city!" (Which mind you was 45 minutes away.) But as he grew older, he had openings. Clearly he was pychologically (and I don't even want to think about anything else) bullied, abused and controlled. Kind of makes my childhood look like a walk in the park.
Senator Borack Obama. I'll admit immediately that I do not possess enough information to speak intellegently on this subject. Still, I have thought about him. A black man running for President. My opinion? Well- it's about time. No offense to any of you who happen to be white and male but as far as I am concerned; a little color on the skin,a different gender or both as President wouldn't do anything to harm this nation! Not by a long shot. As far as his abilities, experience and the rest of it-I will reserve thoughts until I know more. It's interesting, that I know for sure.
American Idol. Hubby and I pride ourselves in not watching much television, not to mention reality TV. We, for the most part, find what is on TV today to be..in a word...crap. However. I have laughed, cried, empathized and had so many other emotions watching this show. Probably partially because I always wanted to be a singer. Hubby, however, never had any aspirations to sing and he likes it too. It's the American dream, I guess. You can accomplish anything you want in this country. All you have to do is try. That rocks.
Blepharoplasty. It's a mouthful, I know! AND YES, I had to look up the spelling. The other day, I looked in the mirror in the middle of one of my famous eyebrow lifts...and saw an eyelid wrinkle. I was absolutely horrified. Look, I have good hair, pretty green eyes and nice lips. That is all. I cannot have one of the three going to hell at 35. Okay, okay, I know it's insanely shallow for me to entertain the idea of having my eyelids lifted. But hear me out on this. I can hid my spider veins with my tan in the summer. I can excersize if I want my bod back to the hard, bounce a quarter off my ass magnificance of my youth. The boobs, they make a great bra for lifting-and cleavage is not a problem. My eyelids falling? Not much I can do there! And Grandma/Dad gave it to me! Oh no, I am not having droopy lids at 35. It just ain't happenin'!
And speaking of middle age. Is it just me or is it some sort of sick irony that we all wait for pubic hair to grow and then in our mid-late thirties start discovering them in places that just aren't supposed to grow the pubes? I give you, boobs, nipples (EW), upper stomach (?!), lower arm, butt cheeks and the other day folks, my Hubby pulled a 1/2 inch long hair out of my chin. He called it a chin hair...I called it a deranged pubic hair who went way north when she was supposed to be headed south. WTF OVER?
Having read this probably makes you a little scared of me. Rightfully so.
Good night and Happy Hair Pulling!
Sophia January 16 Too Much InformationI never write in Pink. Too girly, I usually think. What is that about? Who gives a sh*t if I am girly...or not? Talk about being overly obsessed with what I portray as myself. It IS my blog after all, at least here, I should be myself.
Since I am being myself I will tell you that I am totally Aunt Flowed out today. I have endometriosis and sometimes it just wears me out. No, I have not had surgery, nor do I intend to unless/until it completely debilitates me. I don't do hospitals. My lining has wrapped around my lower intestine. So as I am sure you can imagine there is no #2 during Aunt Flow. If there is, it is extremely painful and unpleasant. I am taking birth control but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have Dr. “I Don't Listen To My Patient”-a complete opposite from the Dr I had up north so I am thinking I am going to have to switch Dr's before anything is really helped. We had the pain pretty much under control but alas...it was not to last. I think it controllable...I just need the right Dr to hear me. I would have loved to have curled up in the fetal position this morning and just sleep part of the day but I never call in because of Flow. It just ain't right. My step sister does that every month...and women wonder why men think they can't handle the Presidency. What are we going to say, SORRY Prime Minister, I can't meet with you today to discuss world peace because I have the cramps. Come on. Oh, I know TMI. Get over it.
Meanwhile, my allergies are nuts today. I took my Claritin D and it didn't work. My nose is chaffed from blowing it and it will not stop running. Did I mention I am pulling 12 hours every day this week b/c I let Protégé take a vacation? GAWD I am an idiot. Why he couldn't split up the week I don't know, I suppose he didn't want to...and I thought it was his prerogative. It is but MAN does it make a long week for me-78 hours including the driving. Hell that’s lawyer/Dr hours and I don’t get NEAR what those folks make. His pocket book is going to suffer tremendously. I don't know if he took that into consideration...he's a grown man (sort of) so who was I to say anything? Sure as hell will help my pocketbook. Which reminds me; we got the house rented out! We received our first payment on Saturday. BOY is that a relief. YAY! We had to buy a fridge for the house which is fine. We had to buy a dishwasher for our house here so Home Depot so loves us right now. Thank God for 0% financing.
Also, I will have you know, I sent Hubby's mother a thank you card for the popcorn. Hey, the best way to combat a mean spirit is with kindness. I'll admit, I had to make myself do it and Hubby didn't want to sign it. At least it's one more thing I can tell the Big Man upstairs I tried to do in the His spirit. Lord knows there is a plenty I don't do in His name. (YIKES!) Truth be told; I knew it would get her goat. She wanted Hubby to get mad and react and although he did get angry, he didn’t let her know it. We were gracious and thanked her for “remembering us at Christmas and wished her blessings in 2007”. I am so bad. I would so get called out on the carpet for not being sincere in my note but hell, at least I wrote it. One day at a time, right?
I have my resume out and have had one interview. The guy was kind of a jerk though. He knew I was a manager currently and I wanted to stay in a managerial position and didn't tell me that Group Sales Manager was a title intended for a sales person. When he told me the starting salary ($20,000 under my current wage) I nearly just got up and left the table. What an ass. I confess, I yawned four times in the interview. LOL I couldn't help it, he has less experience than I do and he was an awful interviewer! (If you were an animal, what animal would you be?) (Like we all don’t know what that is about, give me a break! I am so not the type to fall for a she is a type A personality just because she answered Elephant…or whatever. If I couldn’t outsmart those types of questions, I would just hang it up.) I just thought it would be rude to get up and leave. Damn Claritin D makes me tired...and I just couldn't stifle the yawns. I did apologize. LOL-still what a waste. I have heard from a few others but I am going to be fairly calculated about this move. I have a job so I can be picky.
The house is coming right along. We have the office yet to organize but it’s really starting to look like home! We are chomping at the bit to get in the pool. We are having a “Cold Front” move through currently. It’s in the 40’s. Which for around here is darned tootin’ chilly. Even Hubby and I have been surprised how chilly it’s felt to us. I guess it doesn’t take long for a body to acclimate to such nice weather all the time. I sure don’t miss living up north; where it is to be 7 (yes SEVEN) degrees for a low this evening. UGH.
I sent my brothers two children coats for Christmas. I wasn’t going to send them anything and then remembered it’s not their fault I am not allowed to see them or that their dad is a jerk. I am absolutely positive any extra money my brother has will not be spent on his children so at least they both have nice, new coats for this winter. And they live WAY up north where it’s winter for like…forever. Frozen tundra country…if you will. My idea of Hell. Frozen over. LOL
December 26 The Popcorn GiftMerry Christmas! Overall, Hubby and I had a great weekend. We went to my folks yesterday and pigged out on Prime Rib. He has all of this week off and I actually got four days in a row off. It was nice to get some of the boxes unpacked and some art on the walls. It’s starting to look like home! We exchanged some small gifts and spent time playing with the Mendins. She got rawhides for Christmas!
Of course, there is always the “Family stories” to tell. Dad and Cheryl sent us a gift with a money card in it but didn’t sign even their names. For that matter, they didn't write in it at all. Okay, then! I would have rather had a “Hi, how are you?” than the money, even though we need the money. They used to send us a “Daughter and Son in Law” card that was always nice but I guess we are not getting those anymore. Whatever. Cheryl emailed to ask if we got the gift and I told her yes. I also told her it would sure be nice to get a paragraph about how they were occassionally. She will ignore it as usual.
Hubby’s mother, of course had to pull something. This year, she sent a tin of popcorn to us. Of course, I don’t like popcorn. He called to thank her for it and wish her a Merry Christmas on Christmas (assuming there was something else coming in the mail) and she asked him if we had received the card she sent, we hadn’t. It came today. It was very….sterile. And no, there wasn’t anything else in it. And yes, she spent her normal $100.00 a couple and $50.00 a grandchild on all of the other families. The tin of popcorn was $19.00. You realize it isn’t the money. It’s the thinking behind it. It’s the same thinking as with the vacation. “Oh, I am punishing you because you don’t BOW at my feet so I am going to let you know I am spending more on the other siblings just to hurt you.” Nice. Hubby of course, is pissed. She had always sent something before…even if they were having a row. It’s like the more we choose NOT to react, the more she tries to hurt him. You realize, I would like to call and bitch her out. But that would be what she wants. It’s attention, even if it is negative. And then she is a victim because we called and said she was unfair and being nasty. Because then, she plays totally innocent. She is such a complete and total b*tch. We sent her a gift this year-as usual and I had to charge it because we are short on money. Hubby said he was done with the gift giving. I can’t say as I blame him. And to do something like that when we are supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus. What a complete hypocrite. I am very interested to know just how she can walk into that Catholic Church twice a week and smile at her posse and priest. I would be down on my knees begging for forgiveness. I’ll tell you this. It’s no wonder she is miserable and lives such an angry, bitter life. I would feel horrible about myself if I acted like that to my family! We even still send gifts to the nieces and nephews we aren’t allowed to see! WTF OVER?!?!
*sigh*
In other news, we have word from the PMC that the young couple who looked at our house last weekend has turned in all of their references and such. Everything looks good. We are hoping to hear they have paid the deposit this week. They want to move in the first week of January. Thank you-God. December 18 Ben IIIMy sophomore year, when I started dating Greg; Ben and I became pretty close. Mostly because of two things: 1. Greg picked on Ben and I hated it and would stick up for him and 2. Ben stuck up for me when Greg was bullying me-no matter the consequence. Greg would not let Ben ride home in his car and would make him ride on the hood the ½ mile home from school. He finally quit when I threatened to tell Dad or quit riding with him all together. What a dickhead. Some of the older guys would try to pick at Ben a little on the basketball courts and I would give them a really hard time about it, to the point of asking Greg to tell them to stop; which he did. Ben was something to watch by the time he was in 7th grade when he played basketball. He was approaching 5’8 or so by then and he could dribble extremely well, shoot the three, play underneath and look out on defense. He was intense, angry and damned intimidating. He was becoming a formidable force on the playground even with the guys my age and he knew it. By the time he graduated from 8th grade, he was 6’ tall and was working on trying to dunk the ball. I couldn’t even begin to keep up with him by then. I was an okay basketball player but did not have the natural ability Ben had in his pinky toe. He kicked Greg and his friends all over the court by then-and Greg was one of the starting guards our junior year. (Until he got thrown off the team for shoving some guy in the back and punching him in the back of the head. Sigh. But I digress.)
One summer day before my senior year, Greg had stopped over for a minute to say hi. I was under a strict visitation policy from Dad. If Dad wasn’t home, Greg wasn’t supposed to be there. I was mowing the lawn and stopped for a break. Ben, of course, came outside immediately and told Greg he needed to go. Greg told him to shove it. I told Greg to shut up and told Ben that Greg would leave in a minute. So we started visiting and then Greg and I started wrestling. I am not even quite sure how it started. Before I knew it, he had me on my knees and had my arm twisted behind my back. He wanted me to admit to something-I don’t remember what-but I wasn’t going to admit to it because it wasn't true. I started to cry from the pain (and that meant something because I do not cry at just any little bit of pain) and the next thing I heard was a loud click. I turned my head and Ben had gone in and gotten his bb shotgun (or was it a rifle? I am not an expert on that sort of thing.). It wasn’t a kid’s gun but it wouldn’t have killed a person either. (I don’t think.) Greg still had my arm but turned around and Ben said in a voice that I had never heard before “you let her go and get your ass out of here right now or I am going to make you regret ever coming over here today.” He said it in an even tone but his dark brown eyes blazed fire and his nostrils were flaring. I thought Greg was going to hit him at first but he stopped twisting my arm, laughed and sneered something to Ben on the way by and left.
Ben looked down at me after Greg squealed away and said “you need to dump that a**hole.” And then he started to cry. I hugged him for a long time and I will never forget that. I feel terribly guilty for having put a little kid through that kind of trauma. No 8th grader should have to go through that. If only I could say that was the worst we endured and that we all lived happily ever after. More later- Love Sophia Ben-IIWhen Ben moved back in with us, we didn’t fight as much. We usually ganged up on Stevie, Diana’s son-or Diana when she was being a pain. (We were pretty hard to compete with when it came to witty banter if we were on the same team.) As I recall, it wasn’t long after he was back that Diana left again. Maybe a year or so...I think. Ben literally said “Good Riddance” when I read him her note. I was so surprised that he could be so heartless about it. Then I thought maybe he was just hiding his feelings. It was probably a little of both.
Ben was so ornery is school and so combative. I felt like I constantly had to stick up for him. He always had someone picking on him-in his mind and in mine. Now I look back and realize he brought a lot of that on himself and Dad had taught us a victim mentality. He would do a lot of things for attention and if he knew he was good at something-he made sure you knew it. He had played catch (baseball/softball) with me since he could hold a glove and by the time he got into grade school-he could throw hard and throw a long way! He wasn’t any slouch when it came to hitting either. So we had some pretty good ball games in the yard my 8th grade and freshman summers. Of course, I was the only girl playing. The guys, for the most part were younger than me so it wasn’t a huge challenge but it kept me practicing and in good form. God, would Ben talk s*it out there-worse than about anyone. And almost always, he would get SO ANGRY and I would have to calm him down or there would be a fist of cuffs. Winter months meant basketball season. I used to drill Ben on his dribbling when he was maybe 8-9 years old in the garage where the concrete was flat. By the time he was 12, he could dribble around me even with me holding on to his waste fouling the day-lights out of him. Sometimes, we would play so hard we would fight but most of the time, we would end up laughing. We would laugh so hard, we would cry. Ben and I did it all the way, whatever we were doing. We rode horses together with Dad, Diana and Steve for a few years. That was a blast. When Ben was in 3rd grade, he was riding Ginger-a 20 year old Quarter horse-mix mare with a mind of her own and he was begging Dad to race him. Now Ginger was no slouch-even at 20. The only horse with more speed was my little mare-Amber. Amber could freaking fly and I had a hell of a good time with that horse but that is a story for another day. So Dad finally relented and off they went. Dad was riding a 4 year old, beauty of a Palomino named Jake that was about half green and loved to run. Jake had the longest blonde tail and mane, God he was gorgeous. He was also a biter. But again, I digress.
Dad and Diana took Ben into the county hospital and made Steve and I stay home. It was awful waiting to hear if he was okay. I thought they were so mean for not letting us go. Ben came home with a patch over his eye. The fear was that stalks would have poked and taken his eye but his arm had protected his eyes. His forehead and one side of his face looked like he had been through a meat grinder. And his knees and elbow too! He did break his wrist but the Doctor said it was a clean break so he would be fine. Ben was left handed so it didn’t affect him much. He was back on a horse before he had the cast off. Dad did make Steve and Ben switch horses. He gave Ben Goldie-the 22 year old mare who was old, fat and lazy. She was so funny. She would push out her belly so far when we were putting the saddle on that the saddle would fall off when Ben got on her because then she would suck in her belly! So Dad taught us to knee her in the belly but even then, she was really stubborn! Then she got to where she would just lay down when Ben got up on her. I would yell, “just walk right off of her Ben!” and he did. I don’t know how he kept getting back up on horses as hard of a time as he had with them. He couldn’t handle Amber-she always wanted to trot and run and needed a good rider to keep up with her. I could ride backwards, in bare feet and no bridle on any of those horses and they wouldn’t have cared less. Not Ben, they pushed him around. I guess they knew he was the baby and they could get away with some of that-until Dad or I scolded one of them anyway.
More later- DreamsI had another nightmare about Greg last night. Mom seems to think I am not really dreaming about him but trying to work out the stress I am under and since that part of my life was stressful; I think I am dreaming about him.
Huh. That's fairly opinionated considering that she isn't actually privy to the dreams-and I am. I didn't say much in response, just that I was sure it was Greg. Even though normally, it's Hubby's face I see. I hate that. Because there is nothing similiar about those two men. Except that they are both men and even that is a stretch...
I usually dream that we are still together or that we got back together and he is nicer-in that he doesn't beat me. But still a jerk as in mentally abusive. Once I realize that, I want out again but feel trapped. Sometimes, I get out, sometimes, I don't. Sometimes, I break up with him and then the Him that I broke up with is Hubby and I realize I have made a terrible mistake and have to fight like hell to try to get him back. WTF? Who really needs to have that kind of crap going on in your mind when you are trying to rest? No wonder I woke up tired.
Sigh. I REALLY dislike having those dreams!
December 04 MondayWow. What a day. I am pooped. Every person I talked to on the phone today was looking for a fight. Totally combative. I had to literally talk over a couple of people to get out a full sentence and then they got mad at me. Some days, it just doesn’t pay to work with the public.
Meanwhile, I think we have the truck sold. My parents are going to buy it if no one pans out from Ebay. We won’t make any money on it but the note will be paid. The PMC continues to shine. Hubby’s brother went over to our house this weekend to check on it and found no For Rent sign, a note saying “I waited here for 45 minutes and I am leaving. I guess you don’t want to rent this place after all!” AND no lock box for the combination they had given us and therefore no way to get in and light the pilot light for the gas. It’s supposed to be freezing and below there. We called the PMC’s owner and left three messages and after almost a full day, he still had not returned our call. So we used the emergency page for the Maintenance department and presto! He called back in 15 minutes. Of course, he had no knowledge of the lock box so he said he would do some research and call us back. The next phone call we received was from one of the girls in the office. He made her call us on her day off! How crappy is that for a boss!?! She is the only one in the place with half a brain and we could tell she was embarrassed.
How about just renting the damn place out already! Hubby and I reviewed our finances and it’s going to be a bleak Christmas, I am here to tell you. I mean, I realize we have a lot more than many others in this country but it’s still scary to see your savings and checking accounts deplete.
Anyhoo. It’s been a Monday. I just couldn’t bring myself to broach the Ben subject today. I have tomorrow off and I plan to come in Wednesday refreshed and upbeat. It will be easier for me to write then. Plus, I have to work a 12 hour day that day so I may as well save some writing for that day. How in the world could our GM think we can actually fill 12 hours a day with work? I am a work-a-holic and I can’t always find something to do! Speaking of the GM; we had to go to his house for his party this last Saturday night. He has about a 4500 square foot monster of a home with every possible upgrade and of course, the pool and hottub out back. The kitchen was to die for, I mean just gorgeous. His bathroom really is bigger than the Blue Banana. I still haven’t heard anything about my bonus. God help me if I don’t get a Christmas bonus. You’ll turn on CBS and Katie will be telling you all about the crazy woman from south Texas that went postal after she found out she wasn’t getting a bonus.
Remember Clark W Griswold? Need I say more?
December 01 My Brother BenToday is my Brother Ben’s 31st birthday and of course, I won't be talking to him so it's a melancholy day for me. To help slog through it, I have decided it's finally time to tell the story.
Ben was not what I wanted for an early Christmas present when I was a little girl. I wanted to keep my parents all to myself. I remember being very jealous when he came home. But then he grew up some and started crawling and giggling so I found him more amusing then. He also spent much of his time as a baby crying! And Ben didn’t just cry, he screamed and cried. He had chronic ear infections and when he was a baby there just wasn’t much they could do at the Army hospital for him. I think he was given medication but we still had to wait for it to work and he was in pain until the meds kicked in. When he was a toddler, Mom was very careful to keep a hat on his head if there was the slightest chill in the air so he didn’t catch cold. She usually threw one on my head too just to be safe. When Ben was a toddler, he had white blonde hair which was curly and soft and big brown eyes. He was a big baby to begin with, nearly 10 lbs. so he was a big toddler too. I was a tall little girl so it didn’t bother me a bit; I just played along with him. He followed me everywhere as soon as he could walk and called me “Sister” until he was 5 or 6 years old. He was a very cute little boy. All of the old ladies in the grocery store would comment on his looks and then look over at me and pat my head and tell my mom “now she is going to be the smart one and won’t need looks.” I guess they were right because I understood what they meant, even then.
Ben was notorious for being bull headed and not listening to “no”. As soon as he heard “no”; he went right ahead and did whatever Mom had told him not to do. Touch the hot stove, put his finger in the metal fan (and yes, blood splattered everywhere), hit, scream, sass-he was a handful. Mom lost her patience with him daily and I was often the one who would put him down for his nap because Mom just couldn’t take it anymore. I would lie down beside him and he would suck his thumb and hold my hand and go to sleep.
We grew up close until my parents divorced. I am actually the one who went in the bathroom and told him our parents were getting divorced. He was taking a bath. Mom got mad at me for that but I didn’t care. I was mad at her! Of course, being only 8 and he only 4, neither of us took the divorce well. He was quieter about his feelings about it. In hindsight, we seemed to take it out on each other by fighting. We would have knock down drag outs. Especially once Mom and Pop got married. When we went to live with Dad my 8th grade year, Ben opted to go back to Mom’s after 6 months or so. I decided to stay at Dads. The time we were apart was no fun for either of us. I think we both enjoyed the individual attention from our parents; but even that didn’t curb the loneliness. I convinced Ben to move back to Dad’s that summer, much to Mom’s despair.
More later…. |
|
|
