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July 10 Dan The Painter SucksI haven't written in awhile. I am so completely overwhelmed with my life. Tomorrow is my birthday and for the first time in my life, I am not excited about it. Strangely, it is my first close to my parents in a long time and I thought that would make it more special. It isn't.
I am very down and depressed. I know Marty dying is some of it...I am terribly sad about that still. Such a tragic end to a wonderful man's life. I struggle with many aspects of his death...from the sad, lonely suicide, to the unknown drug abuse to the good times....many, many good times. Layers and levels of grief. And I think some guilt that I hung out with him for so many years and escaped such an awful peril.
Then there is the re-finance of the house up north. Which should be a seamless process but has been anything but seamless. From the struggle to get the appraisal price we need to getting the bank to stop changing the rules..from how much we are required to put down to when we close, it's just almost like I feel like saying NEVER MIND! You would think we were a risk to lend to. We are not, however, which is even more irritating. How do people with poor credit get loans for homes? Then we find a house that is of new construction...well actually we have known of it for a long time. The model I walked through months ago, I fell in love with but the price was too steep. This last week, they knocked the price way down...right into our price range. So that means we would like to put a bid on it, which also means we need to close on the re-finance up north. It would also be nice if the house up north could be rented out by the management company sooner rather than later.
To top it all off, the painting we had done in the house up north was awful. When we asked for it to be re-done in a different color and with decidedly more skill and accuracy...we were met with quite a struggle. He finally repainted it but kept the paint color the ugly color we didn't like! Then he had the nerve to email us a dissertation of why our house didn't sell. I quote; " a screw missing in the upstairs ceiling fan may indicate to the buyer that the fan is not working". What? Who the hell decides to walk through a house and send a commentary detailing everything that could possibly be conceived as negative by the buyer. Okay, maybe your real estate agent. But a painter? Unsolicited? After the listing is expired? WTF? What a jerk. I turned him in to the BBB and asked for half of our money back! I also emailed him back and told him off! I mean, I might be down right now, but I will be damned if you are going to walk through my house UNINIVITED and nit-pick it apart simply because we asked you to re-do your shoddy paint job! SO THERE! Meanwhile, I will be 34 tomorrow. Hubby tells me there are 4 birthday cards awaiting me at home. The obligatory "Best Wishes" cards from Pat and Cathy (or rather in Cathy's case, her husband Jeff; because she DOES NOT speak to me under and circumstances)-which frankly I would just rather not get at all. They are so hateful to me and Hubby. Sometimes, I just wish they would continue ignoring us when it's our birthday too. I mean, the only reason they send a card is to say they sent it. What's the point? Of course, Robyn and Kelly do not send me a card b/c they think I am the Devil incarnate. Their loss. And then one from my Dad, that Cheryl usually buys so it doesn't mean much to me...which will no doubt upset me further since I literally only hear from him twice a year now anyway. My brother Ben also does not acknowledge my birthday at all..or the fact that I am alive for that matter. That's a feel good. And Lisa and Rob and the girls sent a card which is nice. We are a little irritated with Lisa and Rob right now but that is a story I will tell in the future. My parents brought over a cake yesterday and a card. I should not complain. Half the world celebrates their birthday by being thankful for having clean water to drink.
Sometimes, I just think life should be easier. It should be easier to find a good paying job that I enjoy. It should be easier to buy a home and settle in. It should be easier to live. And for me to be happy...regardless of what else is going on around me. This job, for one, is absolutely at the tippy top of what I can tolerate. 60 hour weeks-a boss that MIGHT tell me I did OKAY if I finish 2nd out of 12 and am responsible for 25% of the dealership business. More than likely, he will say- I want 30%.
What are the good things? Right? That is what I should focus on. Hubby. He is good to me, 98.9% of the time. Mendy, she is a dearheart and the furry cats. The beautiful Island on which I live...thank God he created such a wonder. My intelligence and drive, which I know are responsible for me having the ability to make a good living...regardless of how much I enjoy the work. I am thankful for the time Hubby and I had with Marty. I think what will resonate with me in the years to come is that a life is not to be wasted in anger or anesthetizing your pain. Write through it, live through it, move past it. Live a good life.
Now if I just knew how.
PS. I just recieved word that the house we loved and were trying to buy is no longer available. We were outbid.
This Life Is My Life. And Today? It Sucks. July 04 Independence DayToday is one of my favorite days. It was also one of Marty's favorite days. We would all gather...the location not as important as the people who gathered. Sometimes, we met on a deck of a friends and had a good ole' fashion BBQ- with M80's and too much beer. (Children, do not try this at home- we got in serious trouble.) A couple of years we all went down to the Cities' biggest celebration by the River and watched fireworks there. Talk about eating too much and getting to bed way too late. Still, we got to party with the Band that entertained! That was too cool!
~Sophia |
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