I decided to write Dad; after some thought. I don't know if he will respond...but at least I said what I needed to say.

Hi Dad;

I received a letter from Aunt Jane recently and in it; she mentioned her concern for the fact that you and I are obviously not as close as we used to be. She referenced a specific situation you mentioned; regarding Justin and his then brand new wife (I don’t know her name.) showing up at the Golden Corral on your “birthday” a couple of years back. She said you couldn’t understand why you couldn’t have who you wanted attend your own birthday dinner or why I got upset.

I wanted to clear a couple of details on that topic. It wasn’t your birthday; it was Father’s Day. I remember exactly what day it was because it was very important to me to plan something special-as is always my intent on Father’s Day. In fact, for your birthday that year, you will recall we took you and Cheryl to dinner in downtown KC and then to see the Lipizzaner Stallions so I am 100% sure it was Father’s Day. In my mind, there is a big difference in a birthday dinner that is casually set up and Father’s Day dinner set up by your only daughter. Had it just been your normal birthday party; I wouldn’t have been so hurt-I agree, if it’s your birthday-invite who you want! But it wasn’t your birthday and it hurts me that you don’t even remember what day it actually was or why I would get upset. I am a reasonable person and I don’t get hurt for just any reason at all. I set up that visit several weeks in advance because I wanted to celebrate my Dad on Father’s Day. I even went so far as to swallow my pride and invite my brother who was not speaking to me at the time because I felt he shouldn’t be left out of his own Father’s Day dinner. I did send Cheryl an email afterwards explaining why I was hurt but obviously I didn’t explain myself very well so I will try to do better this time. First, we had planned to pay for your meals and that became very awkward when in the parking lot, we learned that two other people were joining us and that you were expected (and did) pay for their meals-along with your own. I didn’t know what to do and so we just paid for our own meals. I felt awful having not paid for my own Father’s meal on Father’s Day because I feel it to be inappropriate for my Father to pay on Father’s Day.( As I recall-you pay when it’s Mother’s Day for Grandma so I am sure you can see my point.) Secondly; I don’t know Cheryl’s children well enough to even recognize them on the street. I understand that you have a relationship with them and of course, you should. However, I was very uncomfortable because I don’t know them at all and didn’t know what to say. How would you have felt had you called and invited Hubby and me to dinner to celebrate “Daughter’s Day”, planned to pay for our meal and we showed up with his parents without even consulting you? Can you honestly say that wouldn’t hurt your feelings or that you wouldn’t be uncomfortable? Having given that example-I didn’t exactly throw a fit. In fact, I said very little and thought I was as gracious as I could be under the circumstances. At any rate, I did the best I could do-with my feelings very hurt.

 It should be said at this point that if you weren’t aware that I have a hang-up about sharing my own Father with another set of step-children please be aware of it now. I understand that I have no choice (nor have I had a choice since I was 8 years old) but to share my precious time with my Dad with kids I didn’t even know and I accept it. However, if I plan to take my Dad and his wife out for Father’s Day; I think that is the one day that I (and of course Ben) should be able to spend with our Dad and his wife alone. Maybe it’s hard for you to understand because you didn’t have to see your Dad love other children-who are not siblings; while you only saw your Dad on weekends-or as an adult a few times a year. I loved Stevie; but I still didn’t want to share my Dad with him. As I said, it’s my hang-up and my problem. I understand that but I am not finished working through it all…and I am left with a great deal of pain because of it. A little thoughtfulness of my feelings would have been appreciated. I feel like people are forced on me and if I don’t just swallow my hurt and am gracious -I am punished by completely being left out of your life!  I feel resentful, jealous -left out and left behind.  I have spent my life trying to find a way to fit into your life because there is always so much in your life; between work, farming, your wives/girlfriends/wife’s kids, Ben and his dramas …there is no place left for me. If you wonder what I am talking about; I could give you a thousand examples-like us coming down to visit only to see you for the one hour you took for lunch away from the field-the WHOLE weekend. How about me asking if you could help me put up a ceiling fan and you wouldn’t even consider it? You could have at least offered to put it up somewhere else in the house for me. Or how about when you would come up all the time to visit us…seemingly but end up spending all of your time with Faye? When that went south; we didn’t see you anymore. You started dating Cheryl (which was great) but we just didn’t get visits from you anymore-maybe one visit a year. I feel like I was good enough for you to be around when you didn’t have anyone else but when you weren’t lonely anymore; you didn’t feel it necessary to call or keep in touch.  I feel as though you don’t want me to be a big part of your life and have fought that feeling since you married Diana-the first time. Imagine how I would feel finding out that you re-married Diana two weeks before; on the way to your house for the weekend or find out from Cheryl that you are getting married again because you didn’t want to tell me! You never even bothered to introduce me to Cheryl to begin with-Grandma had to do it. I thought she was there with Jane and Scott! Those actions make me feel like you don’t think enough of me to even introduce to me or tell me about important people in your life. Like I am a second rate child of yours that you are ashamed of so you just don’t acknowledge me or introduce me and hope that I will eventually disappear in the background so I don’t embarrass you.

 I also feel like there have been a lot of times you have gotten angry with me and chosen not to include me in news of your life because you wanted to punish me.  You always have given me the silent treatment when you are mad at me. Jane mentioned that she thought that both of us were concentrating on our own pain; and obviously she is right. I have tried to consider your pain but I don’t know what I have done to bring you pain. I am not perfect and I am sorry if I have said or done things that have hurt you or upset you. I certainly didn’t intend to hurt you-now or ever. You should understand- you have brought  me a great deal of pain and I have tried to reach out to you several times; both in email and letters and you haven’t even bothered to tell me to go to hell. Believe me that would hurt less than hearing nothing in return at all. Even if you have been hurt by me- I don’t think I have ever done anything horrible enough for you to just quit calling, writing or even signing my birthday or Christmas cards. Dennis got a nice note from you in his birthday card and I didn’t even get a signature from you. No matter how hurt that I have been by you; I would never shut you out of my life.

  I have tried to keep in contact as I can; and I don’t feel like you have returned that respect to me. I deserve to be a part of your life without begging and without feeling like an unwanted little girl that you put up with just because you have to. You don’t have to put up with me if you don’t want to and I am not going to beg to be a part of your life anymore if you don’t want me there.

 As I have grown up-I feel like you haven’t learned who I am. You assume who I am-or play me off as “just an emotional woman”. I made a very concerted effort to have an adult relationship with you-to know and appreciate the man behind “Dad”. I didn’t assume you were like any other man. I kept my mind open. I don’t know if you really want to know who I am but I am going to tell you a little bit about me anyway.  I tell you this for no other reason but so that you will know because I feel like you don’t know. Maybe if you know who I am-you will want spend some time with me. Although, maybe not because I am not all positive.

 I can fix anything-as long as it just takes a tool and my hands. I have prolific computer skills but dislike anything to do with computers or the internet because it’s not challenging. One of my favorite things to do is to figure out a way to outsmart someone or something that has put a block in front of my path. I do not actually read; I skim and therefore can go through a book very fast. I have almost a photographic memory and if I write it down-I can remember it forever. I am a logical, black and white thinker. The last intelligence test I took was 2 years ago and I scored 147. I am intolerant of ignorance, prejudices and narrow mindedness. I detest lies. I absolutely hate to be criticized in any fashion and take it very personally. I do not easily trust people and therefore; have very little friends-in fact I have not made one friend since we have moved here. (For that matter, I don’t share much in common with women-I don’t have kids, I don’t do sewing, I don’t do pink, I don’t like bunko, I don’t care if I have dirt under my fingernails when I am working and I sure as hell don’t want fake fingernails! I don’t like Tupperware parties, I don’t like to sit around and complain about my husband and I really prefer a football game to shopping most any day.) So most women are mean to me, I am guessing its jealousy or perhaps they are intimidated-I don’t know but it’s a lonely life and to assume I am just like any woman is the wrong assumption to make.) I prefer to work alone because I have to work at such a level of perfectionism-other people drive me crazy with their laziness and inconsistencies. I pray to God every day for strength, courage and wisdom; and I think I am going to Heaven because I am a good person and try to be a good Christian. I believe that I have two Guardian Angels-and I gave one to Ben's daughter when I realized that I was probably not going to see her again until she was much older. My feelings are hurt very easily because I have a big heart. I love to give to people…even if I don’t know them and I prefer they didn’t know I was the one doing the giving. I prefer the company of my dog over 98% of the population because I know she would never hurt me. I am extremely insecure about my looks and am constantly concerned that no one understands me. I am independent to a fault. I will at all costs, struggle with something myself to figure it out to keep from asking for help. I am so competitive that if someone passes me on the highway; I will speed up.  I am so driven that I now have to take a prescribed sleeping pill at night so I don’t lie in bed problem solving and strategizing about work. You do understand my drive is due to mainly one thing? I have been trying to get my own Dad’s attention-my whole life. It’s taken me 34 years to realize that I need to accept that regardless of how much money I make, how big a deal I make of a Father’s Day, how successful I am, how much I spend on your gifts or how big of a house I buy- it is not going to ever be enough to gain the attention from you that I have always wanted. It’s for you to decide if I am to be a part of your life and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change that fact.

One more thing I need you to know: I am not going feel guilty for loving the other parent-something I have spent my whole life feeling. I don’t have to listen to negative, nasty remarks and makes me feel horrible to hear it…so I am not going to listen to it again. If you two want to be bitter and angry at each other through eternity, so be it-although I think that is a complete waste of time and energy. You have told me over and over “you are just like your mother” and since you hate her guts, I do not perceive this as your giving me a compliment. I don’t know if you are angry with me for having a relationship with Mom and not turning my back on her for your sake. I don’t know what you expect from me when it comes to Mom-I try not to bring her name up…but I think it’s unfair for me to have to walk on eggshells because you two have water under the bridge. I feel like you are punishing me in the back of your mind for not taking your side and perhaps even moving down here and that is not fair. I moved by the ocean…and sure, Mom is here too.  I didn’t divorce either one of you and no matter how challenging; I am trying very hard to have some semblance of a relationship with each of you. Could you just not say anything at all if you have nothing positive to say? Yes, I have had a similar conversation with Mom.

I know I have written you enough and spoken enough about wanting to be closer that you know indeed that is my wish. I hope you understand I mean no disrespect in my need to get some things off of my chest. We have to be able to find some common ground to start and beyond my doing this frankly; Dad, I don’t know where to start. I have a hard time just writing you and Cheryl an email-I don’t even know how to pick up the phone and talk to you. If not for hearing that your feelings were hurt (and out of respect for Jane) by something that I did-I wouldn’t have written this to clear up that Father’s Day. I can’t do this by myself; it’s terribly unfair for me to be responsible for all the communication all of the time between us and I just can’t do it.  Especially when I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me to begin with.  I hope someday you will want to work with together with me towards a better relationship.

Until then, take care of yourself and know you and Cheryl are in my prayers every day.